Seriously. I have figured out some serious shit today. In reading the book The Sweet Potato Queens’ Field Guide to Men: Every Man I Love Is Either Married, Gay, or Dead the author talks about “Man Ears”. To quickly sum up – Man Ears is what all men have that make it so that everything we say somehow becomes an invitation for sex. Example: “Let’s watch a movie” becomes “I want to watch nasty porn with you and have sex with you while watching it” Example: “Would you pass me the newspaper please?” becomes “I will give you a blow job” You get the idea.

So today, I get the following email from my brother Professor (of “Hi I’m Prof, wanna fuck?” famed pick up line – only continuing to prove the “Man Ears” theory): “When are you moving?? I saw Dad yesterday and he said he knew nothing about you moving until last Saturday when he was at Gma’s.”

My response to him was: “That’s because he doesn’t listen – I told him in January, he mentioned it February, and when she mentioned it he had no idea what she was talking about, she thought she’d said something wrong. By the time I talk to him again he will probably have forgotten about it again. Granted, it’s not like it’s the most important thing going on in his world right now but still… its’ just situation normal on that memory thing.” To which he replied that he figured this was the case, and I replied that I figured he figured, and we went on to rag on Dad’s girlfriend and such, as is sport whenever two or more of my family are gathered….

But I digress. (shocking) I began to ponder just why it was that my father was incapable of retaining details that I shared with him. And then it hit me. Man Ears! Man Ears are programmed to turn everything a woman says into an invitation for sex. Now CLEARLY it is inappropriate for a father to hear something his baby girl says and turn it into an invitation for sex.

THEREFORE, I can only conclude that what happens is that when a daughter says something to her father, the Man Ears kick in, sending a whole download (17)bunch of feedback sounding noise from the Man Ears to the brain, overloading the Man Ears “I hear sex invitations only” receptors with noise rather than the actual words the daughter is saying. THIS is why fathers and daughters can’t communicate. I am ready for my Peace Prize now.